Gavriel Zev, of course. At this hour, who else? What else?
"What do you need?"
"Itchy!" His leg is itchy, or at least, he wants attention. I bring some cream, shmear it on, kiss him goodnight and walk out.
"Waah!" Cries for a few seconds and then, miraculously, he's out.
"Waah!" 4:30 now.
"It's still sleep time. What do you need?"
"No, no, no. Waah!"
"I am sleeping in my bed. Abba is sleeping. Naomi Rivka is sleeping. It's time to sleep. Good night, Gavriel Zev. I love you, I'll see you in the morning."
Walk out, fall into bed.
"Waah!" Cries for 2 minutes, I go to him, but don't go in.
This is the new thing: I remember doing it with the older kids. You go to the door, make sure they're okay, tell them you love them, but that it's still sleep time... and you don't go in.
Gavriel Zev hates it.
I go back after 5 minutes of crying. I go back at 2, 5, 10. I go to the room but don't go in. I don't know what I should do after 10 minutes (15 or 20?) but luckily he falls asleep and so do I.
"It's still sleep time. Does something hurt? Do you need a fresh diaper?"
"No, no, no!"
"Good night, Gavriel Zev. I love you; I'll see you in the morning."
Walk out, fall into bed.
"Waah!" Cries for 2 minutes.
Ted gets up.
"What are you doing?"
"Going to him - I can't stand it anymore."
"I have been going to him - you have no clue. Go back to bed."
In the middle of the night, I mutter terrible things about Ted. This sleeplessness must be his fault. Naomi Rivka was a terrible sleeper; Gavriel Zev is a terrible sleeper. The other two were great sleepers... so it must be on their father's side, right?
Plus, why isn't he the one getting up?
I know why. Because he stays in the room with Gavriel Zev for bloody forever cuddling him and talking to him and doing all the amazing nice things that I don't do... and then every time he goes to put him down in the crib, he screams and Ted picks him up again because he's so nice.
The process takes forever and still leads to screaming. More screaming, because I suspect he knows how nice Ted is and that he will come back if he screams loud enough. Not properly heartless like me.
So I have volunteered to be the only night person, at least until we get into a good routine.
A good routine is nowhere in sight.
So I mutter the terrible things about Ted, just loud enough that he can hear that I'm muttering. I hope not loud enough that he can hear the actual words. And Ted goes back to sleep.
I go back at 2, 5, 10 minutes and either he falls asleep or I do because the next scream I hear is 6:30.
6:30 sounds like a reasonable waking-time, but the arbitrary number in my head for wake-up time is 7:00. I will not get him up before 7:00, especially after a night like that. There is no way he's well-rested and happy.
So I do the 2, 5, 10 thing again and either he falls asleep or it becomes 7:00. I don't remember. Ted eventually brings him in for nummies, and that's how I wake up, at 8:30, with Gavriel Zev hanging off one side and Naomi Rivka patting both of us but carefully, attentively not having nummies.
We stopped her morning nummies a few months ago.
She always seems very sad when we cuddle in bed in the morning. Perhaps like a husband, when told you "just want to cuddle."
It's almost 9:00 by then, and we have somewhere to be at 10:00. Chances of making it on time: zero.
Chances of making it through the night anytime in the near future?
Zero. Big, fat, round, sad, sad, ZERO.