Skip to main content

Great, so now I hate Israel.

Well, maybe not HATE.
 
For years, whenever anyone mentioned Israel, the conversation was easy:
Them:  "Have you ever been there?"
Me:  "Nope."
Them:  "Oh, you have to go, it's incredible."
Me:  Eyes glaze over - no chance we'll ever get there.
 
Almost literally, my eyes would do the glaze-over thing whenever anyone mentioned anything about Israeli politics, geography, history, literature... ANYTHING.
Like, I knew it was mine, or supposed to be mine, but it was so, so distant, so far from actually being mine, that I just didn't pay attention.
 
And then, suddenly, we were GOING.
It was more than an awakening:  suddenly, it was real.
I couldn't read the chumash or even bentsch without realizing:  we were GOING.  We would BE there.  It was OURS.
I was crazy-gung-ho Zionist, for about a month, once the reality set in that we were GOING.
 
The opposite reality seems to have taken about a month to set in as well.
We WENT.
It's over.
It's gone.
 
Now, like yesterday in shul, the conversation is an entirely different one:
Person who doesn't know what happened:  "Oh!  How was your Israel trip?"
Me:  "It was great; beautiful - we loved it!"
Walk away.  Walk away fast.  Walk away before they ask "How long did you go for?"
Like I did yesterday - just grabbed Elisheva and walked away.
 
I hate it.  Okay, maybe not Israel, but I sure hate something.
 
Not hate hate it, like I said, but yeah, it makes me angry, it makes me sad, to have the whole country snatched away like that.
Because I really did fall in love...
 
In the car on the way home from driving Abigail to Hamilton tonight, I was thinking, it's easy to fall in love with a country when you're there on a surreal "honeymoon" like our trip was:  direct flight from Toronto, all-expenses-paid (by my father), nice apartment, giant jacuzzi tub, walking distance to all amenities.
So, okay, maybe it's cheap that I fell in love with it like that. 
Maybe it wouldn't seem so ideal, so idyllic, if we had to go there and try to earn a living... but I would sure as heck like to have the chance to try.
I would have liked the chance to stay there no matter what.  Would I rather be poor in eretz Yisrael than middle-class here?  Nobody seems to be giving us that choice, actually... it's more like poor here or poor there.  And, yes, I would probably rather join the poor there than be even comfortably middle-class here.
 
But, man, I can't get over how awful, how painfully RIPPED OPEN I still feel having that land torn away from me like that.
For a couple of weeks, at least until the return date on our original plane tickets, I kept saying "I'm not really here" (in Canada).
And then, for a while, I said Hashem sure owed me a return trip.  He still does.
But now I get angry, or rather, tear up, whenever anybody mentions Israel.  Okay, or if I see a plane, which is what triggered this whole line of thought, while I was driving past the airport on the way home.
Things are a little raw right now, I think.
 
After I had my wisdom teeth out a couple of weeks ago, I kept thinking, "it's always going to hurt like this."  I'd check back in with my mouth a couple of days later and, sure enough, it still did hurt.  Couple of days later:  hurt.  But you know what?  The hurt went away.  It's mostly all gone now, and it hasn't even been a month.  I can even poke and prod with my tongue at the back of my mouth - the way you have to even if you suspect you probably shouldn't - and it doesn't hurt, though it is creepy having empty space there where teeth once were.
 
So maybe someday I'll be able to see an airplane and not hate Israel (or hate having Israel taken away).  Maybe I'll see an Israeli flag and not hate Israel.  Maybe I'll participate in this year's Walk with Israel, which we haven't done in a while, and not cry too much at the thought of how much I'd rather be walking in than with Israel.
 
Maybe someday I'll be able to poke the hole in my life that is Israel and somehow, somewhere, find another $4000, another six plane tickets, another apartment, another... crap, it's a lot of work getting six of us over there and back.
 
Maybe someday we'll never come back.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

לימודי קודש/Limudei Kodesh Copywork & Activity Printables

Welcome to my Limudei Kodesh / Jewish Studies copywork and activity printables page.  As of June 2013, I am slowly but surely moving all my printables over to 4shared because Google Docs / Drive is just too flaky for me. What you’ll find here: Weekly Parsha Copywork More Parsha Activities More Chumash / Tanach Activities Yom Tov Copywork & Activities Tefillah Copywork Pirkei Avos / Pirkei Avot Jewish Preschool Resources Other printables! For General Studies printables and activities, including Hebrew-English science resources and more, click here . For Miscellaneous homeschool helps and printables, click here . If you use any of my worksheets, activities or printables, please leave a comment or email me at Jay3fer “at” gmail “dot” com, to link to your blog, to tell me what you’re doing with it, or just to say hi!  If you want to use them in a school, camp or co-op setting, please email me (remove the X’s) for rates. If you just want to say Thank You, here’s a

Ancient Auction Secret: If Chinese auctions are racist, why do Jews love them so much?

Ah, Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews.  You sure do love your Chinese auctions, don’t you? It seems that even in an era of political correctness, within certain circles, this term just will not die . And frankly, I’m mortified. I’m not Chinese, but I have family who is Chinese.  Some are Korean, as well.  I guess this makes us more ethnically diverse than many Jews, but I suspect most Jewish families are moving in this direction.  Still.  Even if we don’t know a single Chinese person, we should still stop calling it that. First of all… is it actually racist to call it a Chinese auction? I figured I’d let Chinese people decide.  But when I turned to Google to find out how Chinese people feel about Chinese auctions, what I found was mostly… nothing.  Silence.  I did find some debate (presumably among non-Chinese people) over whether it was too far in the direction of political correctness to refer to these as a “silent auction” or (as in some parts of the States) a “tricky tray.”  (Ok

Hebrew/ עברית & English General Studies Printables

For Jewish Studies, including weekly parsha resources and copywork, click here . If you use any of my worksheets, activities or printables, please leave a comment or email me at Jay3fer “at” gmail “dot” com, to link to your blog, to tell me what you’re doing with it, or just to say hi!  If you want to use them in a school, camp or co-op setting, please email me (remove the X’s) for rates. If you enjoy these resources, please consider buying my weekly parsha book, The Family Torah :  the story of the Torah, written to be read aloud – or any of my other wonderful Jewish books for kids and families . English Worksheets & Printables: (For Hebrew, click here ) Science :  Plants, Animals, Human Body Math   Ambleside :  Composers, Artists History Geography Language & Literature     Science General Poems for Elemental Science .  Original Poems written by ME, because the ones that came with Elemental Science were so awful.  Three pages are included:  one page with two po