Beware of soul-sucking Chair-Swaddlers

image What a pain in the neck.  Really!  My neck, the connect-y bit between shoulders and skull?  It hurts, like crazy. 

But the bigger pain in the neck I’m referring to is my current article (which needless to say I’m grateful to have been hired to write - and yet!).  I am so, so utterly bored at the thought of putting a single tedious word to the blank page that is my computer monitor.

imageWhat can I say about kosher wedding venues that hasn’t been said already a million different ways?  How to promote something unbearably trite without sounding unbearably cheesy? 

I wrote an article about gift-giving last night, and it sucked out most of my soul to do it.  Now I have to drain what’s left to talk about “dazzling venues” – ditzy dressed-up wedding halls. 

imageI never understand why they have to swaddle all the chairs in fabric in all the venue photos… is it to hide them???

“Sorry, I don’t see any chairs here, Faigie – I guess we’re just going to have to sit on one of these satin-draped chair-shaped things arranged tastefully around the table…”

“Ooh, what if it’s a wedding gift?  I wouldn’t want to sit on a wedding gift!”

“Whatever it is, I wouldn’t worry.  Looks like they’ve got plenty of them.”

If I have to see or think about swaddled chairs, I will vomit.  And I do not vomit easily.  But I have procrastinated enough… so off I go!

p.s.  12:08 – exactly midnight, and I’m done!  I love saying I’ll have the article in by Monday and really, really meaning it.  Now it’s Tuesday, and I’m off to watch The Office! 

And yes, I did use the utterly exhausted words “intimate”, “elegant”, “crystally” (I know, it’s not a word, but I was quoting a source) and even… shudder… “facelift, in this article.  That is how bad it got. 

Double plus vomit, I feel like nothing less than a whore.


  1. If you peek under the swaddling all the chairs are old and ugly. It's simple, really.

  2. In a brand-new hall??? I really don't think so. Maybe new and ugly... or at least, new and not-satin.

  3. Mercenary is a better analogy.

  4. Yay, I feel so much better about myself knowing I'm a mercenary, not a whore. Thank you!!!


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