The Triscuit Guide to Frugal Home Entertaining

real simple adI sometimes grab Real Simple magazine when I’m at the library, mostly because it’s SO funny that a magazine about simplicity can run nearly 200 pages each and every month.  Can’t be that simple, I guess! 

But it’s hard to find magazines that are also appropriate for the kids to pick up (ie that don’t offer “8000 tips on how to have a hot bod!!” or “drive him crazy in bed!!!”)

(I can do that just by falling asleep…)  (ba-dum, bump!)

Anyway.  The good people who bring you Triscuits (and remember, we love Triscuits!), included a special two-page advertising spread about how you can “Do the Snack Math to impress your guests…for less!”

Yes, that’s right.  For less than $1 per serving, you can real simple clip 5

Not only impress them, butreal simple clip 1!

real simple clip 3Well, we entertain quite a bit, if you count Shabbos and Yom Tov.  And I’m always interested in economizing, so of course, I read on. 

How could we possibly impress our guests and make our fete memorable?  How can we send our guests home as utterly delighted (apparently by someone’s new shoes or a stain on the floor) as these lovely ladies?

Apparently, you have to serve Triscuits.  But NOT – and here’s where I’m sure most of you folks are making your mistake – absolutely NOT a lot of them.

No, the secret to impressing your guests lies in portion control.  The asterisked fine print on that $1-per-serving claim reads:

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Yup, those lovely carefree ladies above are just giggling and gettin’ down with their two crackers, having perhaps exhausted their allotted teaspoon of dip.  And in their glasses?  Why, that’s the dregs of their eight ounces of iced tea! 

Maybe the blonde one is reaching out her hand to steady herself against her hunger pangs.  (“Sorry; I should have eaten before I came, but I’ll just lean on you for a second, and I’ll be fine!”)

Just a few weeks ago, at Naomi Rivka’s sukkah party, we actually served Triscuits, in the form of hot Triscuit Pizzas, with a little tomato sauce and cheese melted on top. 

This was a party for babies, toddlers and their parents.  Twelve kids.  We went through four trays packed full of Triscuit Pizzas.  If only I’d known about the limit, I could have stopped people, but as it was, I’m afraid we did go over $1 per person.

In case your guests are as insatiable as ours were, the ad continues that you can:

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That’s a relief.  You don’t  have to send your guests home hungry; you can give them MORE Triscuits.  Just make sure they’re Reduced Fat.  Can’t have guests porking out - at your expense!

The final chapter in this stunning guide to home entertaining (by which I mean I could NOT stop laughing until I nearly peed and then had an asthma attack which lasted the rest of the evening), there is this final “real-big-spender” tip.  Why have I never thought of this?

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“Leaving so soon?  Well, at least you won’t be chowing down on my Triscuits anymore.  And don’t forget your tea!”

We were wondering if you’re supposed to write the note as they leave, or prepare the cups ahead of time.  Ahead of time would make more sense, but what if they commit a major faux pas at the party?  Would you stop them at the door while you crossed out their cup message and scribbled a new one on the other side of their own personal to-go cup?? 

“Sorry you farted in front of everybody.  See you… around!”

What can I say?  Guess I just never knew how to throw a party!


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