Tuesday, November 18, 2008

As of today, we owe the boy... [and my father...]

...$362. I transferred $200 in last night even though we can't afford it. And paid back Elisheva the $90 that was supposed to be in her account.

I figure, only scum of the earth borrow from their children to buy groceries. Well, okay, and tuition. And school supplies.

If we can't afford those things, well, it's not the children's fault, and I really want to be able to sit down and show them their balances. And have them plan and dream about doing whatever with the money.

So now, where will the rent come from? Who knows?

See, what's scummier, owing tons of money to your kids' savings accounts, or owing tons of money to your dying father for the house, car, insurance?

This situation disgusts me completely. I am thoroughly disgusted with us, with myself. How could we be SO in debt to him in the first place? And then, now that we've gotten ourselves in so deep, and everything else that's going on... well, how can I look him in the eye?

The answer is, I can't. I am utterly, utterly ashamed. There it is. I can't be a good daughter to my father who has cancer and this thing is going to hang over our last few decent months together and we will never be able to have a conversation because I'm constantly avoiding him because... well, because he's my landlord.

I even found myself not answering the phone today, because I know he'll be calling ... he already has, but Ted got it; I was out.

Who visits their landlord in the hospital? Especially if their rent is late?
Who calls up their creditors and draws them pictures to help them feel better?
Says tehillim with the utmost sincerity, even though I want nothing more than to just get him off my back. There, I said it. :-(

I feel like the only thing I can give him right now is my kids. I hope they'll turn out to be better people than I am.

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